My Transformative Year: How Yah Renewed My Mind in 2017
The past few months to a year has been very transformative for me. It has been filled with changes one right after the other. Although these were for the better, some changes didn’t feel good while going through but Abba Yahuah has been my strength and has helped me grow through the changes. Within the past year, I’ve left the workplace in order to come under submission to my Ish (Husband), I’ve journeyed into the world of homeschooling, I’ve lost a grandmother and experienced grief, and have also had to let go of and leave behind 3 daughters as we moved in obedience to a place we’ve never been. Whew! But I give all esteem to YAHUAH for all that has been done and all that He’s doing. Here are the details of some of my journey below:
Leaving The Workplace
Disclaimer: Every household is different and I do not want to imply that my sisters should up and quit working. This should be discussed with husband and decide what’s best for your household.
In my teenage years, I developed a mindset to be independent of a man. I thought that men found this form of “independence” attractive as well. Especially with music industry hyping these ideals up. I did not realize that I still carried this mindset after being married until my husband brought it to my attention. My husband has always been vocal about wanting his wife to be home rearing the children. In my warped mind lol, I didn’t see the beauty of being able to be a stay at home mom. I was a teenage mom and so I worked a full-time job for years since my daughter was 3 months old. I thought that this is how life goes; you wake up, eat, drop your child off at daycare, go to work, pick your child up, go home, eat, sleep and do it all over again. It didn’t dawn on me until earlier 2017 of how much time a family spends apart; especially children from their parents.
During part of our marriage, I was a stay at home mom but my older children were still in public school. And I was itching to get out of the house and back into the workplace and eventually ended back up in it. I tricked myself into thinking that I was helping my family out with the extra income, when in reality, going to work was my break from my responsibilities in the home. I was able to get a break from the small children and a bonus was not having to ask for money when I needed or wanted to buy something. But while I was in the workplace, YAH allowed me to be a vessel to spread truth to co-workers and help someone get back into the walk. And it seemed that shortly after being able to be a light that Yahuah opened my eyes and allowed me to see that as much effort I was putting into my job, I needed to be putting into my home!
He allowed me to see that I was missing out on what so many moms wish they had the opportunity to do; staying home and nurturing your children, watching them grow and learn and making sure they are not subjected to anything that’s contrary to our beliefs. I also realized that there is nothing wrong with asking your husband for the things I needed and decided to let go of that independent mindset and put my trust in Yahuah and learn to be truly submitted to my husband. So needless to say, I was eager to resign from work and get into homeschooling our children.
Losing My Grandmother
After announcing my resignation on the job, my grandmother unexpectedly passed. It took the family by much surprise, even though she did have health issues. This was my first time that I can ever recall experiencing grief. I’m the type of person that holds a lot in and only express myself when I’ve had enough. I’m still a work in progress with that.
Anywho, after my grandmother died, I had gotten so sick, that I thought I would be taken out of here. Everyday I felt weak and weaker; filled with the pain of regret of not spending more time with her when she was here. I began to not go around as much because I knew we had differences in beliefs and I did not want to disrespect her in any way. She would invite us to the holiday celebrations/gatherings and I held strong to my beliefs and would not participate. It got to the point, that the last invite she said “I know you all don’t celebrate holidays but I still wanted to invite you”. And I got what she meant by that; she didn’t want me to feel like I was left out. And I thanked her but told her we would not be celebrating the 4th of July. I also felt bad because the last time I went to visit her, we had some disagreements about my Hebrew beliefs and cultural views vs her Christian beliefs. So that weighed heavy on my heart. Wondering if I should have handled our last convo better or not; did I say too much, did I not say enough, etc…
But about a week after she passed, I released those tears and built up emotions, and my body began to slowly recover. I had come to realize that regardless of how our last time spent together ended; my grandmother and I both still loved each other very much. And although, towards the end, we had our differences due to my beliefs, I’m thankful for the times we did share and some of the truths that we were able to discuss.
Homeschooling The Children
My husband and I had been discussing homeschooling for a couple of years and so we knew that it would just be a matter of time before we embarked on it. We knew that to effectively walk out our beliefs, we needed to train up our children in all areas to eliminate the confusion brought in by the public school system. It seemed like the past year leading up to us homeschooling, Yah kept showing us that now was the time. Whether it was a message within a Shabbat lesson or just things happening in the news such as the bathroom laws to accommodate transgender etc; it definitely felt that it was time! Yahuah also gave me a boost about moving forward with homeschooling when dealing with my daughter’s first grade teacher. If there was a project, lesson or field trip that was contrary to our belief, I was getting in touch with her teacher letting her know my daughter would not be able to attend or complete this particular assignment and find an alternative. I thought of how unfair it was for my daughter to be subjected to contrary teachings that opposed Turah being taught at home.
Yahuah also allowed us to meet and fellowship with a family in our city that was in the walk and has been homeschooling for years and it allowed me to be more at ease and not feel so overwhelmed by it. He also allowed me to fellowship in person with a fellow sister in the walk whom I deeply admired who had a similar story of mines and she encouraged me even more to homeschool and made me feel more confident to go forth with it. So although my husband and I both had to deal with family members that opposed our views to homeschool our children; YAH also allowed others in my life to encourage me and give me the extra push I needed to move forward.
Now when the public school system was starting back up, it was so tempting to give in lol, because of the anticipation of whether or not I would be good at it. But I held on to my belief and trusted in YAH and was able to get great resources to start our homeschooling year off! And I grew to take great pride in homeschooling my children and taking care of them myself as opposed to sending them off to strangers for them to take care of them.
From A Family of 7 to a Family of 4
So a little history about me, I had 3 daughters prior to meeting my husband from previous relationships. Based on my past, I strongly encourage young women to guard their virginity until marriage. YAHUAH’s plan and torah are ALWAYS perfect and will save you from unnecessary hurts and bad choices. Now moving right along, Two of my daughters have the same dad, who has always been very present in their lives despite our conflicts/issues; and my oldest daughter’s dad is not present at all but will text her and see how she’s doing every once in a while.
When my husband and I began discussing the next move for our family in order to live more set apart to YAH, I wondered how this would work out with my daughters. I knew that with my oldest daughter it would not be any issues but with my other two daughters I could not see how this would work. And of course I prayed!!! I prayed for my daughters to be with us so that they could be raised in truth but also that Yahuah’s will be done!
Our household was in a state of disorder for some time due to the children being raised in 2 separate households. And although my husband would bring this to my attention frequently, I could not realize it until this year lol. You see, My two daughters’ father is not in the walk and so when they have their visits with him on weekends, breaks, summers, etc they are not being encouraged to keep Turah. It was coming to a point where they began desiring to be with their dad more than our home because we did not allow certain things at our home. Over the years, I’ve always felt that I was in the middle; meaning between my husband and my daughters’ father. I’m trying to obey my husband as the head of the home and then I have a court order with my ex that I must adhere to. Although, I wanted my daughters to be with me, I knew that deep within, the way that I was handling this was totally wrong. But I felt the need to continue on in hopes that this situation would work itself out.
The society we live in praises blended families successes. But what if the parents of the children are not both in the walk? This brings about confusion in the children in being allowed certain things in one home and while at another home, it’s not. Again, my husband has always expressed about our home being out of order and it did not click to me of what he was expressing until he asked me to watch this video of another family who went through the same thing and it was like a light bulb went off in my head. I knew then that I had to make a tough decision; especially if I wanted to have a home of order with my husband and also move forward in my walk with Yahusha! Let’s just say I spent several days/nights in tears. I even reached out to my daughters’ dad to see if he would be willing to allow my daughters to be solely raised by us and about our desire to homeschool the children and living more set apart BUT also expressed that I understood that as him being their father and active in their lives, he is the head over them. He was not in agreement with homeschooling and wanted his daughters to be with him under his household. So from that moment, I stated I would trust YAH concerning that situation.
Releasing my daughters completely from our home stirred all kinds of thoughts and feelings. I felt horrible! I felt unfit as a mom and that I was giving up on my children. But then I began to get encouraged by the scriptures. Yahusha tells us that if we don’t love our family less than Him, and are not willing to forsake all to follow Him, then we are not fit to be his disciple. So after much prayer, I chose the Messiah over my children and we went from a family of 7 to a family of 5.
As we were gearing up for our move off the grid, my oldest daughter (a junior in high school) made known that she did not want to move. She was also dealing with no longer being in public school to be homeschooled. She was in a state of depression most times and when we would go around other family/friends, she would act as if she was being held captive lol. She simply hated being raised under our roof because we would not let her live like the world. So she expressed to me over and over that she wanted to stay in the city and finish high school at the public school she was previous going to. She also began having dreams and feeling that she should stay behind. Needless to say, I was back to crying! In the midst of struggling what to do, my mother asked for my daughter to stay behind to keep her company.
I knew that in order for this transition in moving off the grid to work, our family needed to be achad (one) and we still weren’t ached yet. In fact my daughter spent her time away from us. She always wanted to be left alone. Only when I announced that I was considering letting her stay behind did I notice her countenance change. After much prayer and speaking with a dear sister of mines in the walk (you know who you are), I decided that I would yet again let another daughter stay behind. When I finally told her she could stay behind, she immediately went from sad to joyous and was no longer anti-social with us. But I was so sad inside while she was so happy and no longer depressed. I cried out to Abba and He said to me “I will uphold you”. So my oldest daughter packed up and moved in with my parents and re-enrolled in public school. Then we became a family of 4.
Moving To Place We Never Been To
On November 12th, we loaded up the u-haul trailer and traveled to our current destination. We currently live completely off the grid way out in the mountains. When we told family and so-called friends (not in the walk) that we were moving, it was difficult for them to understand our decision to move so far away and leave our children behind. They simply could not comprehend our decision and my husband and I both knew that the reason they couldn’t not get it was because we are following Yahusha and they are not.
But despite how some family/friends felt about what we were doing, we still left and I could not have been in more shalom ever in my life! Being off the grid and living a simple life in the country has been one of the most freeing experiences I have ever felt. I did get a little nervous a few hours before we left but ever since we got here I have been at peace. We get to see His creation daily and rid ourselves of the city life. This journey has truly been a humbling experience and has allowed me to see areas that I need to work on and prepare my soul so that I can be ready for when The Messiah returns. We have had our challenges as well but it’s all been to strengthen us in Yah.
I felt compelled to share this in hopes that it may comfort someone who may be at a crossroads in your walk with Yah and maybe torn between making a decision that is going to put your faith to the test. The decisions we have to make in this truth are not always as easy as it seems but the best part is in knowing that you are seeking a life that will please YAHUAH, no matter the cost! I am a very, very, very private person but what I’ve come to realize is that what we go through and how we overcome is always beneficial to help someone else out and also to encourage one another that we are not alone! Even though I may not have gotten the outcomes that I desired, I’m comforted in knowing that I can trust in YAH and that His plan is the best plan. May His will forever be done! Shalum!