Why I am No Longer a Christian
My world as I knew it began to crumble in the year of 2010. Thirty-three years of stability, faith, and belief was now being questioned from every possible angle. How could this have happened? How could I have been deceived by the very religious system that I believed in for so many years? I now no longer knew what to put my trust in, better yet, who to put my trust in. Ultimately, I felt betrayed. I was angry and upset. I was hurt in a way unimaginable. Words could not describe the many emotions that I experienced during this time. Who could I turn to? I just could not believe that I had been deceived. I dare not tell anyone that I was now questioning a belief system that billions of people followed. I dare not tell anyone that I no longer believed in the very thing that helped shaped my world. I just couldn’t. People would frown upon me. They would think that I have definitely lost my mind. No. This I must keep to myself. I was now beginning to experience many sleepless nights. I would wake up the following morning with my pillow soaked with tears. I felt so alone. There were days when I didn’t know if I was coming or going. Actually, days were just a blur to me. No one knew what I was experiencing on the inside. No one knew my innermost thoughts. I had so many questions, but very few answers. However, I had one pending question that would never leave my mind, and that question was, “Where do I go from here?” Christianity was all that I knew.
It all began on a Sunday morning. I decided not to attend church that particular Sunday. I had been feeling some type of way for a while now. Church was becoming very uncomfortable to me. For someone who loved the church and everything that was associated with it, this was very odd. I could not understand what was happening to me. I was changing. My love for the church was diminishing. It was becoming more and more of a struggle for me to attend church. I was beginning to see things in a different light and the things that I was seeing, I did not like. Something was not right, and for the life of me, I couldn’t place my finger on it. It put me in a very bad place. I guess one can say that my eyes were becoming open then, but at that time, I didn’t know this. I seriously thought that something was wrong with me. I really dreaded going to church.
So on this particular morning, my son and I had our own bible study. This was not our first one. We’ve studied the bible together on many different occasions, and my son was always a big participant, but this time was different. My son just sat there while listening to me expound on a passage of scriptures. After a while, I noticed that my son was not saying much. I stopped talking, and I looked at him and I asked him what was wrong? I asked him why was he so quiet? My son looked at me and only said these few words, “Mom, what if what you believe in is not true?” Wow! I just looked at him. For the moment, I was lost for words.
After a few seconds, I was able to regain my composure and I said to him, “How can you sit there and ask me a question such as that?” Of course what we believe in is true and how dare you questioned it.” Yes, I must admit that I became offensive, as well as defensive because now my belief system was being questioned and it was being questioned by my very own child. I couldn’t believe this! How could he do such a thing? How could he question the very thing that I have instilled in him his entire life and the very thing that was also instilled in me my entire life? I was flabbergasted, to say the least! My son just sat there quietly and looked at me and answered me by simply saying, “Okay.” That was it. Well, I continued on with our bible study, but I just could not wrap my mind around the fact that my son now doubted the very thing that would give him salvation. What was I to do? Well, little did I know that my son was only being used as a vessel to help open my eyes to see things for what they really were. My little world, as I knew it, was about to be turned upside down and I would soon have to apologize to my son, who at the age of 14, knew more than I did. This seed was now planted and had taken root.
Well, to make a long story short, a few months later, I was given a document by a dear friend of mine entitled, “Deception in the Church.” In this article, the author warns the reader of two major types of deceptions that are in today’s churches:
1) The overall view of what constitutes salvation, and
2) The organizational form and the present day function of religious institutions.
I did take the time to read the article and yes, I must admit that it did have some very good points, but it didn’t alter my beliefs. I still believed what I believed and no one was going to deter me from them. After reading the article, I tossed it to the side and said to myself, “Whatever!” Well, my life went on as normal. However, that article never left my memory. It stayed with me in my thoughts. The question that my son asked me was still in my thoughts. I could not shake it. Deep down inside, subconsciously, I knew the author of that article was telling the truth. It was confirming my present feelings about the church though I would not admit it. As time passed, no matter how hard I tried to forget about that article, I was unable to.
Another seed had now been planted, and now it too was taking root!
A few months later, I decided to go back and pick up that article. It was like something was drawing me back to it. I sat down and re-read the article. This time, many things held my attention, but something caught my eye that I neglected to see before. It was Jeremiah 5:29-31:
“Should I not punish them for this?” declares YAHUAH. “Should I not avenge myself on such a nation as this? “A horrible and shocking thing has happened in the land: The prophets prophesy lies, the priests rule by their own authority, and my people love it this way. But what will you do in the end?”
I just sat there and read these verses over and over again. It made sense to me, but then it didn’t. Why they stood out to me at that time, I don’t know, but I decided to read the entire fifth chapter and after reading it, I just closed my bible and sat there and cried. The tears would not stop flowing. I was now receiving a revelation that I failed to see before.
What I read next is what shocked me. I opened my bible back up, and it fell on Ezekiel 34. Through tear-filled eyes, I gazed upon verse 2:
“Son of man, prophesy against the shepherds of Israel; prophesy and say to them: ‘This is what the Sovereign Alahym says: Woe to you shepherds of Israel who only take care of yourselves! Should not shepherds take care of the flock?”
Wow! That one little verse was very profound to me and it provoked me to read the entire chapter. I read that same chapter several times in one sitting. I could not believe what I was reading! It confirmed over and over again what I was now seeing in the church. It confirmed the very thing that I did not want to believe to be true. My eyes were becoming open. There was indeed deception in the church. I had to accept it for what it was. These two chapters in the book of Ezekiel and in the book of Jeremiah removed the blinders from my eyes. I now saw things clearly. I now knew that something was not right. The final seed had been planted.
Because I am an inquisitive individual, I was now in a place to question everything. Had I been lied to about everything, or about some things? And exactly what things had I been lied to about? I just had to know and I had to know for myself. It was time to do some digging. Well, I started with the name of the Messiah. Was his name truly Jesus? To my astonishment and surprise, it wasn’t. The first thing that I discovered was that the letter J was only 600 years old. As the young folks can say, “It was on and poppin then!” This discovery led me to many other discoveries thereafter, for an example: god and lord are titles and that the true name of our Father had been blotted out of the bible over 7,000 times. Wow! My mind was being blown into pieces over and over again. Next, I studied the history of Christmas! I could not believe what I was seeing with my own eyes! I was stunned beyond words! I was learning things that I never learned in the church, but this was only just the beginning. I quickly discovered that I had much to learn. Something was definitely wrong with this picture! I began to discover that there was nothing original about Christianity and that Christianity was rooted in paganism and a lot of its doctrines and practices originated in Mithraism and ancient mysteries.
I went through many changes at the beginning of this journey. I shed many tears. At an earlier time in this walk, I wanted to walk away from all that I was now learning in my many hours of studying the word and doing research. I must admit that yes, I wanted to turn back, because at that time, I felt it was too much for me to handle. I felt so alone. I felt that no one else was on this journey but me. No one else was denouncing Christianity, but me, but later, I found out that I was wrong. Praise YAHUAH! There were others whose eyes were now being open to this truth, and one by one, they were coming into Covenant with the One and True Almighty One, the Creator of the Heavens and the Earth. I was not alone after all! My Father’s hand was upon me. I now know this. He was doing a work in me and it was now time to accept it. I finally embraced this walk with such zeal that I have never possessed in my entire life. It is now my desire that others come out of darkness and into this marvelous light! It is also my desire that others be encouraged as I share my journey with them. I love it! It is indeed a marvelous one!
There is so much more that I could share here, but time and space will not permit me to. I now know what it means to serve my Father in spirit and in truth and I now know what it means to walk this narrow path that very few travel. I truly believe that YAHUAH used the very things that I held dear to my heart to get my attention: first, my son, secondly, the church, and third, my desire to know Him in a way that I have not known Him before. This was actually a prayer that I began to pray not too long before my eyes became open.
Yes, I have been on this journey for over 4 years now and I wouldn’t trade anything for it. I must admit that I have learned more in these fours short years than the 33 years of being in Christianity and of those 33 years, an ordained evangelist for almost 11 years. Sometimes, the thought of all of the changes that has taken place in my life these past few years overwhelms me and I often wonder why me? It is during these times the little short prayer that I would often pray would come back to my remembrance, “Father, I want to know you in a way that I have never known You before. Show me and teach me how to serve You in Spirit and in Truth!” He did just that! To this day, I still pray this prayer. Praise YAHUAH! I will never look back again, and it is my prayer that I, as well as others like myself, will continue to be the vessels that YAHUAH can use to share His truth.